Genius Required

Mission statements – a marketing dream. It seems something that a company *should* have rather than needs to have these days. I’ve just done some googling and found this gem:

From a library: We help people find crap.

Perfect! Simple, straight to the point and not assuming that readers/users are ridiculously stupid. I just hate all of that corporate back-patting rubbish. I’m clearly not alone; websitesthatsuck.com lists the criteria for crap websites and lo and behold; mission statements feature

To really ram the point home, take a look at this link that was just sent to our staff by Neil.

What follows is an email sent by a member of a high profile investment banking HR team to a colleague entitled, “Human Beings Matter”.

‘Nigel Jones (not real name) is concerned that our shareholders and clients are wising up to the fact that our employees feel that they are a major inconvenience. He feels that staff have become too ‘me’ (ie bonus) focused and suggests that we remind them that we must at least give the appearance that the firm is being run for the general benefit of our shareholders – not them. He also expressed concern that staff are openly treating our clients with contempt, making them appreciate that we don’t always have their best interests at heart when pushing deals or selling products (why clients should think we are different from any other firm, Heaven knows!).

Although I am happy for an e-mail to be sent from HR on this subject, I do worry that the staff will reactive in a rather negative way, as they often complain to us that the firm doesn’t do enough to make THEM feel like human beings.

As you know, we have already had a backlash after the last round of trader layoffs following the introduction of more algorithmic trading (the fact that the traders realised the game was up when they were told by the car park attendant that they didn’t have a space any more as they had been fired clearly didn’t help). There’s a fear that, as our business becomes more and more technology led and cost-driven, our staff will be treated less and less like human beings. With this in mind, I think that we need to stress that we are not just picking on staff – it is our aim to treat ALL our stakeholders with equal respect.

We need to make clear that there will always be a need for some staff (human beings) in our business – we will be making a heavy investment in compliance staff, for instance, in view of the large number of regulatory probes we anticipate coming our way. We will also need to beef up our in-house legal team. (someone has to be around to take service of the lawsuits). I guess the recent outsourcing of the cleaners and the offshoring of IT and Finance could be problematic (together with the research guys who were fired and replaced by less expensive hires in India). We’ll just have to hope that the staff don’t pick up on this.

Then there’s all that stuff about the impending merger. Rumours of drastic job cuts this end are rampant. We’ll need to finesse this, without giving the game away.

After the merger (and when the offshoring and outsourcing initiatives have been completed) we’ll need to take stock and launch an ‘Our Staff Matter’ charm offensive. We’ll probably be able to do this in small groups – and it shouldn’t take too long.

Can you let me have your thoughts ?’.

I think that perhaps the subject heading for this email “Human beings matter” should have had a tag line of say, “or at least we should pretend that they do”.

On a personal note, I’d like to reassure you that not all HR people are like that – honest!

I just found this article on the BBC regarding DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis – a potentially fatal condition involving blood clots) and how scientists in New Zealand have found that office workers had a higher chance of developing DVT due to long periods of immobility whilst sitting at their desks.

Apparently use of technology such as email means that we are far less likely to actually get up off our chairs and go and speak with a colleague – we’d just drop them a mail instead. This can mean that we sit in the same position all day only leaving our desk for tea breaks, bathroom breaks and grabbing some lunch that we will eat at our desks.

I confess to being pretty lazy in this regard although at present, our office is pretty tiny (see previous posting regarding the new office) so can just speak with colleagues at different desks whilst remaining in my seat. However, I think that the location of the new office is going to make me get out and about more; we’re about 5 minutes from the river and about 10 minutes from the South Bank which is a great spot in the sunshine and has the fantastic Borough Market nearby too. The Bank area is one of my favourite parts of Central London so I really hope that my colleagues and I make the most of being there.

As of Wednesday the 14th of March, Lab49 UK will be located in the new office:

Cannongate House, 62-64 Cannon Street, London EC4N 6AE. Our new contact number will be (depending upon BT’s efficiency!): 0207 248 9499.

The new office is just fantastic; light, airy, great location (about a three minute walk from Bank station – makes it really easy for our staff to come by from client sites) and plenty of bars for us all to meet up in.

We’ve got a huge open plan office with a few meeting rooms and a good sized kitchen. When we’re a little more sorted, I’ll take some photos to upload so you can see for yourself. We designed the layout to enable our staff work together more easily and we’ve got some comfy chairs by the main door for staff to kick back in.

The even better news is that we are across the road from Wagamama and just above Oddbins – could there be a more perfect location